Lonely

I really don’t mind spending Saturdays alone sitting on my couch. No I don’t mind not having anyone to talk to in spite of over 10 close friends. The loneliness only hits me when I am sick and staring up the ceiling. It hits me when I am watching my favorite film and laughing all alone. On regular days my work keeps me unbelievably busy and I usually stretch out working till late at night. But loneliness hits me when I go to my room, the humongous bed staring at me, empty. The fact that I will go out for shopping and have no one to tell me if pink looks good on me or blue suits me better, scares me.
It’s not that I am without a loving family or incredible friends because I am not. But sometimes I want someone exclusively for me. I mean just to tell them my favourite star and talk to them about why one direction should come back and also why I hate getting up in the morning. I am not lonely literally. But the feeling at 3 of not knowing someone to text is brutal. Going on long walks in Autumn just by myself is kinda of haunting. Coming back home, an empty home in a different city is scary. I’ve been around the world, seen it all (most of it) but alone. I’ve been to the Eiffel Tower and seen the entire city but without my beloved soul. I’ve enjoyed many promotions but with my friends and family. I’ve spent birthdays alone amidst a crowd. I’ve never come home to find him waiting by the balcony for us to have dinner. Technically I’ve achieved everything I ever dreamt of. From a fancy house to luxurious holidays I have been there all. But sometimes just sometimes I feel lonely amidst the crowd. I feel insecure walking in a crowded place not knowing which way to turn. Read books about perfect ending and heard songs about perfect beginnings but I am still stuck somewhere in the middle. And the worst part ? I will go back to work on Monday and not feel a thing until it’s Friday night and I am sitting all alone in my office. This thing , you know, comes and goes.
It comes when it’s the holiday season. It comes back when I am cooking my meal but just for one. It comes when I am sitting in a coffee shop and order a single cup. It comes back when I wake up and wish myself morning. When I come home to find only my mail in my mailbox, mail for just one person.
Spread across 24 hours in between calls from my mother, texts from my dad and movies with my friends this feeling of loneliness sinks in sometimes. So literally I am not lonely.